Toddler Tantrums Demystified: 6 Practical Strategies

If you've parented or cared for toddlers, you've likely experienced the emotional whirlwind known as a tantrum. Screaming, kicking, tears, or even complete meltdowns can feel overwhelming—but they’re a normal part of child development and can even be expected in all toddlers. 

This guide aims to help parents, caregivers, and even child therapists better understand toddler tantrums by exploring why they happen and how to respond effectively. From breaking down the root causes of emotional outbursts to practical strategies for calming children, our evidence-based insights will empower you to tackle tantrums with confidence. 

By fostering emotional regulation in young children, you'll not only reduce instances of temper tantrums but also strengthen your relationship and support their development into resilient, emotionally intelligent individuals.

What Are Toddler Tantrums? 

Although it’s tempting to view tantrums in a negative light (because they are NO fun to be a part of,) they are not bouts of bad behavior. You can think of them as mini stress responses triggered by a wide rang of causes. The tricky part is many of these causes are unknown and take some investigative work on the part of the caregiver! 

Contrary to popular belief, tantrums are not triggered by “emotions” alone. Toddlers don’t understand the concept of emotions. Instead, tantrums are linked to uncomfortable sensations they are feeling within their body.

While we may view a tantrum as a child “being bad” in reality, they may be feeling intense heaviness inside of their body because they are extremely fatigued. But because they can’t put this into words, all we see is a tantrum! This is where we must put on our investigator hat and look beneath the surface of a behavior.  

At this age, children’s social-emotional development is still in its early stages, which means they lack the tools to express frustration or feeling angry in appropriate ways. 

Instead of using language, young children express frustration through behavior like crying, screaming, or kicking. Think of tantrums as a child’s way of saying, “I’m upset and I don’t know how to handle it.” 

Why Do Tantrums Happen? 

Most toddler tantrums are a result of unmet needs or overwhelming situations. Common triggers for tantrums include:

• Feeling tired or hungry 

• Changes to routine 

• Trouble expressing emotions or needs 

• Feeling overstimulated or scared 

• Prediction error: when an event or circumstance occurs they were not predicted would occur

  
  

These behaviors are developmentally normal, but they can feel draining for parents. Remember, toddlers don’t throw tantrums on purpose to upset you. They often happen because they’re facing challenges in coping with a big world.

Debunking the Myth of Intentional Misbehavior 

Many parents assume tantrums are attempts to manipulate adults, but this is usually not the case. A child’s ability to plan and control emotions (known as "top-down" thinking) develops gradually and varies from child to child.

Instead of viewing tantrums as bad behavior, recognize them as opportunities to model regulation through co-regulation. In these high-stress situations, it’s important to understand that “teaching emotion regulation” doesn’t work! Instead, leading through attunement is the magic ingredient that helps children develop internal resilience resources. Your response can shape how your child learns to handle feelings in the future. 

The "Bottom-Up" Approach to Emotional Regulation 

What Does "Bottom-Up" Mean? 

Psychologists often describe emotional regulation as a process that develops from the “bottom-up.” This means addressing a child’s primitive, reactive brain first to help them gradually access higher-level thinking skills like reasoning and self-control. 

When tantrums happen, a child’s “downstairs brain” (responsible for instincts and emotions) takes over. Instead of reasoning with your child to stop crying, the first step is to make them feel safe and calm. 

Loving emotional co-regulation from parents or caregivers is key to helping children learn how to regulate their behavior and emotions effectively over time.

Why “Top-Down” Methods Don’t Always Work 

“Top-down” approaches like using logic, rewards, or reasoning are ineffective during emotional outbursts because toddlers can’t access these skills when their reactive brain is in charge. Saying “calm down” or pushing them to “behave” might actually make things worse, causing more frustration for both you and your child.

Practical Strategies for Managing Toddler Tantrums 

1. Stay Calm 

Your own feelings play a huge role in de-escalating tantrums, as your reaction sets the tone for the situation. When you stay calm, you provide a powerful example of how to handle strong emotions, teaching children how to process their own feelings over time. It’s important to take a deep breath, center yourself, and speak in a soothing, reassuring tone. Try saying something like, “I know you’re upset. I’m here to help.” This not only acknowledges their emotions but also reminds them they are not alone, creating a safe space for them to calm down and work through their frustration.

2. Soothe First, Talk Later 

Before addressing behavior, it's important to focus on helping your child feel safe and supported. 

• Start by offering a hug, holding their hand, or sitting close to them (if they’re comfortable with touch). Physical reassurance can help them feel grounded. 

• Create a safe place—this could be a quiet corner at home, a favorite chair, or even just a space where they feel they can express their emotions freely and without judgment. Let them know it's okay to feel however they’re feeling. 

Once your child begins to feel calmer, gently help them process their emotions by talking in simple, clear terms. For example, you might say, “Are you upset because it’s time to leave the park?” Labeling their feelings not only helps them feel understood but also teaches them how to recognize and describe their emotions in the future. Taking these steps can make a big difference in how they manage challenging situations.

3. Use Play as a Learning Tool 

Play is an excellent way for young children to develop and practice emotional regulation in a fun, supportive, and low-pressure environment. Engaging in play allows them to explore their feelings, solve problems, and learn coping strategies in a natural way. Here are a few activities to try:

• Imaginative play: Encourage role-playing scenarios to help children model problem-solving and navigate different emotions through creative storytelling or pretend play. 

• Mindfulness exercises: Simple practices like belly breathing can teach kids how to calm themselves when feeling overwhelmed, helping them focus and build emotional awareness. 

• Dance or movement: Activities like dancing, jumping, or yoga provide a great outlet for releasing pent-up energy while improving mood and overall well-being. 

• Sand tray play: By using small objects and figures in a sand tray, children can express themselves non-verbally and work through complex emotions in a safe, creative way. 

These playful methods can empower children to better understand and manage their emotions while having fun and building confidence.

4. Stick to a Daily Routine 

Predictability helps most children feel secure and provides a sense of stability in their daily lives. Maintaining consistent sleep schedules, mealtimes, and transition periods creates a routine that children can rely on, reducing feelings of uncertainty and frustration. This stability is especially important because unpredictable changes can overwhelm young children, often leading to emotional outbursts or triggering tantrums. By keeping a structured routine, you can help your child feel more confident and better equipped to handle the day.

5. Celebrate Little Wins

Celebrate moments when your child can identify their needs and expresses their feelings to you!  This is a big step in emotional development. For example, you might say, “I love how you used your words to tell me you were feeling frustrated! That really helps me understand how you’re feeling.” Acknowledging and praising these efforts not only makes your child feel heard but also reinforces the importance of communicating their emotions. Positive reinforcement like this encourages fewer tantrums over time and helps build their confidence in managing tough feelings.

6. Redirect When Appropriate 

If you sense your child is getting overwhelmed, try to gently redirect their attention to another activity that might help them feel calmer and more in control. For instance, if they’re upset during playtime and struggling to manage their emotions, you could suggest a quiet and soothing alternative like drawing, coloring, or playing with a puzzle. These kinds of activities can help shift their focus and provide a sense of accomplishment or relaxation. 

It’s important to remember that every child is unique, and what works for one may not work for another. Pay close attention to their reactions and preferences, and be patient as you explore different techniques. It may take some time to discover which strategies align best with your toddler’s age, personality, and temperament, but with consistency and understanding, you’ll find approaches that work for both you and your child.

When Therapy Can Help 

Uncovering the Root Cause 

If tantrums feel especially frequent, intense, or difficult to manage, child therapy may provide valuable insights. Therapy focuses on getting to the root cause of emotional or behavioral struggles instead of treating the symptoms. 

At Child Therapy Center LA, we specialize in working with kids aged 2 to 18, offering various evidence-based therapies, including:

• Creative Interventions: Imaginative play, expressive arts, and more. 

• CBT and DBT: For older children, these approaches teach practical skills for managing emotions. 

• Family Therapy: Equipping parents with tools to support their child’s progress at home. 

  
  

Why Early Support Matters 

Children are incredibly resilient, but early intervention makes a big difference. Supporting your child’s emotional development now can set them on a path toward confidence, healthy coping, and strong relationships in the future. If tantrums are a persistent challenge, don’t hesitate to reach out to a therapist. Seeking help is a sign of strength, not failure.

Turning Tantrums Into Opportunities 

Dealing with tantrums can be exhausting, but it helps to remember that they’re part of your child’s emotional growth. By understanding the root causes of your child’s tantrums and responding with love, your child will slowly learn better ways to cope with feeling frustrated or angry. 

If you need additional support, our team at Child Therapy Center LA is here to help. We’d love to partner with you to provide holistic, evidence-based solutions that support your child’s development. 

Together, we can help your child turn emotional outbursts into meaningful opportunities to grow. 

Contact us today to schedule an intro call.