Busting the Myth of Self-Regulation in Children

When our clients first call our center they typically all share a common hope for their child. That hope is related to helping their child improve the way they self-regulate. This word is all over social media, but what does it actually mean? What if we told you that traditional ideas about self-regulation might be missing the mark?

Many parents, educators, and therapists believe that children can learn to manage their emotions simply through willpower and practice. However, science and psychology paint a more complex picture. 

Self-regulation isn’t just about teaching kids to "try harder" to manage their emotions or behavior. It’s a process deeply rooted in social connection, empathy, and support. This blog unpacks the myth of self-regulation, explores why it’s more than just willpower, and offers actionable strategies for helping children thrive emotionally. 

What is Self-Regulation? 

Self-regulation is a critical skill that allows children to manage their emotions, behaviors, and impulses in a way that supports their well-being, relationships, and ability to navigate the world around them. It involves learning how to cope with negative emotions like frustration or sadness, developing impulse control to resist acting out inappropriately, and adjusting emotional responses to fit different situations. These skills lay the foundation for effective problem-solving, resilience, and positive social interactions throughout life.

Think of self-regulation as the "brakes and accelerator" of a car. It enables children to pause, reflect, and thoughtfully respond to situations, rather than letting overwhelming emotions steer their actions. For example, a child who feels angry might learn to take a deep breath or count to ten before reacting, giving themselves time to think about a situation more clearly. Successful emotional self-regulation relies on a combination of self-awareness, emotion monitoring, and problem-solving skills—all of which help children better understand their own emotions and how to handle them.

But most importantly (and most commonly missed!) is that self-regulation rarely has to do with the self at all! It greatly involves the caregivers and loved ones around us. Children are wired to quite literally borrow and lean on the nervous system and self-regulation of their caregivers. You can think of it as a borrowing system. Kids and even some teens don’t yet have the awareness or capacity to self-regulate so they “borrow” regulation from their caregivers! This is why at CTC we don’t focus on skills training. Instead, we focus on the most effective approach FIRST, helping parents learn to regulate themselves. 

Why Self-Regulation Matters 

But here’s the kicker—not all kids develop self-regulation skills at the same pace, and they certainly can’t do it alone. Children need guidance, support, and consistent practice to build these abilities. Parents, educators, and caregivers play a vital role in modeling healthy emotional responses and teaching strategies that help kids regulate themselves. With patience and encouragement, children can learn to navigate their emotions and impulses, setting them up for greater success in school, friendships, and beyond.

The Myth of Willpower 

Many of us grow up believing that controlling our emotions is just a matter of willpower. This idea has bled into how we approach children’s behavior. When a child has a meltdown, we might say, “You need to calm down,” or even, “Why can’t you control yourself?” 

But self-regulation isn’t about effort or discipline at all! Research shows that self-regulatory processes are linked to brain development, environment, and social support rather than sheer determination. Younger children, for instance, don’t have the same cognitive capacity as older children or adults to manage emotional responses because their brains are still developing. 

This is where the myth of self-regulation becomes harmful. When we assume kids should be able to self-regulate, we risk shaming them when they can’t. Shaming blocks emotional safety and, in turn, slows the development of essential self regulation skills. 

Co-Regulation: The Missing Link 

Self-regulation doesn’t develop in isolation. It begins with co-regulation, a process in which children learn emotional regulation through the safety and guidance of a trusted adult. 

Co-regulation happens when parents, teachers, or caregivers:

• Stay calm and present during tough moments. 

• Offer empathy and validation for the child’s feelings. 

• Model positive emotional regulation skills, such as deep breathing or reframing negative thoughts. 

  
  

For example, imagine a child who spills juice and starts crying. A co-regulating parent might say, “I see that you’re upset, and that’s okay. Spills happen to everyone! Let's clean it up together.” By responding calmly and empathetically, the adult teaches the child stress management and problem-solving in the face of intense emotions. 

Through repeated experiences of co-regulation, children begin to internalize these emotional regulation skills and develop the ability to self-regulate. 

Practical Strategies for Parents and Educators 

Supporting children’s self-regulation doesn’t require special tools, expensive therapies, or complicated techniques. At its core, it’s about fostering an emotionally safe environment where kids feel understood, valued, and supported in expressing their feelings. When children know they are in a space free of judgment, they are better able to manage emotions and behaviors on their own. Here are some actionable strategies you can start implementing today to help nurture their self-regulation skills:

1. Be Emotionally Available 

Pay close attention to your child’s emotional needs, even when they’re not explicitly asking for help. Young children often express their emotions through behavior, as they may not yet have the words to explain how they feel. For example, a child throwing toys might actually be saying, “I’m feeling frustrated,” without realizing it. Acknowledge and validate their emotions by saying something like, “I can see you’re upset. Can you show me what’s bothering you?” This helps them feel understood and teaches them to identify and express their feelings in appropriate ways over time. 

2. Model Emotional Self-Regulation 

Children learn emotional regulation by observing the behavior of the adults around them. The more you practice staying calm during stressful situations, the more they’ll mimic your reactions. For instance, if you’re stuck in traffic and feel annoyed, you could say out loud, “I’m feeling frustrated right now because of this traffic. I’ll take a deep breath to help myself feel calmer.” By consistently modeling these behaviors, you’re teaching your child healthy ways to manage their emotions and providing them with a blueprint for how they can handle difficulties.

3. Create Joyful Moments 

Positive, laughter-filled interactions help build emotional resilience and strengthen co-regulation between you and your child. Joyful moments don’t have to be elaborate or time-consuming to be effective. It could be a quick dance-off in the kitchen while making dinner, a silly face contest during bedtime, or even a playful race to the car. These shared moments of fun create a buffer against stress, strengthen your bond, and give your child the emotional tools to regulate their feelings during tougher times. 

4. Use Developmentally Appropriate Expectations 

It’s important to remember that self-regulation develops gradually and looks different at each stage of development. For example, a five-year-old won’t have the same emotional control as a teenager, and that’s perfectly normal. Adjust your expectations based on your child’s age and abilities, always focusing on progress rather than perfection. Celebrate small victories, like when they pause to take a breath instead of immediately reacting, and remind yourself that emotional development is a long-term process.

5. Teach Mindfulness Activities 

Mindfulness can be a powerful tool for managing emotions, and it’s simple enough for children of all ages to practice. Activities like deep breathing, grounding exercises, or focusing on their senses can help them manage emotional stimuli and feel calmer. For example, you might guide them through a quick breathing exercise by saying, “Let’s take five deep breaths together to help us feel more relaxed.” Practicing mindfulness together, even for just five minutes a day, improves emotional awareness and cognitive self-regulation while strengthening your connection with your child.

6. Practice Noticing Your Own State 

Ironically, we commonly expect or ask children to regulate themselves when we ourselves are the most dysregulated! The problem with this is that our request (although well-intended) isn’t exactly fair to the child- who is experiencing and feeling our own stress. Just like children, adults try to control their environment and the people around them when they are stressed, hence the temptation to discipline or expect “self-regulation.” By practicing awareness of your own internal state or stress level, you will inherently help your child build regulation tools and inner resiliency. 

7. Build a Toolkit of Self-Regulation Strategies 

Equip your child with tools and techniques they can use to manage their emotions when things feel overwhelming. But remember, it’s essential to make sure the “tool” is appropriate for the developmental stage of the child. When we provide a tool that is outside of their development, it can backfire and lead to increased dysregulation. Strategies could include physical items like stress balls, drawing supplies, or a cozy corner where they can go to cuddle and feel cozy. to calm down. Encourage them to “check in” with themselves by asking reflective questions like, “What number are you at right now on a scale of 1 to 10?” or “What are you feeling in your body right now?” Over time, these strategies will empower your child to identify their emotions and respond to them in healthy, constructive ways. This also helps them build interoceptive awareness, an incredibly powerful capacity for optimal mental health. 

Parents as the Powerhouse

If there’s one thing that often goes overlooked in conversations about raising emotionally healthy kids, it’s this: parents are the most powerful tool in the parenting toolbox. No tip, trick, or strategy will work effectively if you’re running on empty. That’s because children don’t just learn through words; they attune to your emotional state. Their nervous systems are wired to sync with yours, which means that your own stress, anxiety, or overwhelm can ripple straight into their emotional world.

Think about it this way—have you ever noticed that when you’re calm, your child seems more composed too? Or, on the flip side, how a stressful day for you can feel like it sets the whole household on edge? This isn’t a coincidence; it’s biology. Children naturally look to their parents for cues on how to interpret and respond to the world around them. When you prioritize regulating your own emotional state, you’re not just practicing self-care; you’re actively investing in your child’s emotional well-being.

Taking care of yourself isn’t about indulgence or luxury; it’s about creating a steady foundation from which your child can thrive. For example, if you’re feeling overwhelmed, practicing a few deep breaths or grounding exercises before responding to your child can make all the difference. By showing up with calm and presence, you model the emotional resilience and self-regulation your child will eventually internalize for themselves.

More importantly, when you make space for your own mental health, it sends a vital message to your child: "Your feelings matter, but so do mine." This teaches them the value of boundaries, empathy, and mutual respect. Regulating your nervous system doesn’t just make your day smoother; it builds an environment of safety, stability, and trust where your child feels emotionally secure enough to develop their own self-regulation skills.

Remember, your child doesn’t need you to be perfect; they need you to be present. By committing to your own emotional health, you’re not only supporting yourself but giving your child the greatest gift of all: a calm, empathetic, and resilient role model they can learn from and lean on.

Helping Families Thrive: Support and Guidance for Emotional Growth

At the Child Therapy Center LA, we’re dedicated to supporting families as they navigate this journey. Our team of compassionate experts offers personalized strategies and tools to help parents and caregivers foster emotional growth and connection. Whether you’re seeking advice, resources, or therapy services, we’re here to empower your family to feel calm, connected, and equipped to thrive. 

Contact us today to learn more about our services or schedule a consultation. Together, we can lay the foundation for a brighter, more balanced future for your family.