Why Do Children Lie? Understanding Your Child's Mind

If you've caught your child in a lie lately, you're probably wondering what's going on in their little mind. Maybe they told you they brushed their teeth when they clearly didn’t, or insisted they didn’t break that vase when you saw it happen.

Before you panic about raising a dishonest child, take a deep breath. Lying is actually a normal part of child development.

At Child Therapy Center of Los Angeles, we work with families every day who are navigating these exact challenges. The good news? When we understand why children lie from a brain-body perspective, we can respond in ways that build trust rather than create more shame. Let’s explore what’s really happening when your child tells a lie—and how you can support them through this developmental phase.

Lying doesn’t mean your child is dishonest—it means their developing brain is navigating a complex world, and sometimes lying feels like the safest option.

Why Children Lie: What’s Really Happening

Children's brains are going through incredible changes. Around ages 3–4 and beyond, they begin developing what we call “theory of mind”—the ability to understand that other people have different thoughts and feelings than they do. This is a major cognitive milestone. But it also means they’re learning that they can say something that isn’t true… and someone else might believe it.

Here are some of the most common reasons children lie:

Avoiding Consequences or Punishment

If your child spilled juice on the carpet and thinks they’ll get in trouble, their brain’s first instinct might be to deny it. Their nervous system is trying to protect them from what feels like a threat—your disappointment or anger.

Testing Boundaries and Power

Lying can also be experimental. Children might wonder, “What happens if I say I already did my homework when I didn’t?” They’re testing what they’ve learned about how the world works—not trying to be defiant.

Protecting Others’ Feelings

As kids become more attuned to emotions, they may lie to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. Saying “I liked dinner!” when they didn’t is a small act of emotional diplomacy.

Gaining Attention or Approval

Some kids make up stories or exaggerate accomplishments to seem more interesting or capable. This usually reflects a desire for connection, not manipulation.

Self-Protection from Shame

When kids feel overwhelmed by shame, lying can become a defense strategy. Their nervous system is saying, “This feels too big or scary to admit.”

Understanding Brain-Body Parenting: A New Way to See Lying

At our practice, we use a brain-body parenting lens to understand children’s behavior. This means we consider their developing nervous system—not just their choices or character.

When your child lies, they’re often in a protective state—their internal alarm system is going off. They might be worried about disappointing you or overwhelmed by the situation. In that moment, their brain prioritizes feeling safe over telling the truth.

Here’s what may be happening in their body:

Their Stress Response Activates

If they anticipate getting in trouble, their fight-flight-freeze system may kick in. Lying becomes a form of "flight"—an escape from the perceived danger of your response.

Their Prefrontal Cortex Goes Offline

This part of the brain handles reasoning, decision-making, and impulse control—and it doesn’t fully develop until around age 25. Stress makes it harder for kids to access it in the moment.

Their Body Seeks Safety

To your child, lying might feel like the fastest way back to connection. They aren’t thinking about long-term consequences—they’re thinking about surviving this moment.

Root Cause Therapy: Getting to the Heart of the Matter

Traditional discipline often focuses on stopping the lie. But at Child Therapy Center of Los Angeles, we focus on why the lie happened in the first place. Root cause therapy helps us look beneath the behavior.

Here are some areas we explore:

• Emotional Safety: Does your child feel safe coming to you with mistakes?

• Nervous System Regulation: Are they frequently overwhelmed or dysregulated?

• Connection and Attachment: Do they feel securely connected, or are they guarding themselves?

• Developmental Stage: Could this be a normal part of learning new cognitive or social skills?

  
  

When children lie, they’re often signaling: “I don’t feel safe enough to tell the truth.”

Meeting that need helps them build the capacity for honesty.

Practical Strategies for Parents: Building Trust Instead of Fear

What should you do when your child lies? Here are a few brain-body strategies that support honesty and connection:

Stay Calm and Regulated

Your child is watching your nervous system. If you respond with anger or disappointment, they may feel even less safe. Take a breath. Settle your body before responding.

Get Curious Instead of Accusatory

Try: “Help me understand what happened here,” instead of “You’re lying!” This invites truth without shame.

Make Truth-Telling Safe

Say something like: “If you tell me the truth, we can figure out how to fix it together.” This builds trust and reduces fear of punishment.

Focus on Problem-Solving

When your child does tell the truth—even about something difficult—work on finding solutions instead of assigning blame.

Address the Underlying Need

Ask: “What were they trying to protect?” or “What did they need in that moment?” Often the lie is a clue.

Model Honesty and Repair

Let them see you take responsibility for your own mistakes. Model what it looks like to own up and make it right.

When to Seek Professional Support

Occasional lying is developmentally normal. But you might consider reaching out to a therapist if:

• Lying becomes frequent or compulsive

• Your child lies about safety issues

• Lying is accompanied by aggression or withdrawal

• You feel disconnected from your child or unable to trust them

• The lying is creating significant stress in your family dynamic

  
  

A therapist can help you get curious about what’s driving the behavior and guide your child in building trust and regulation skills.

Your child’s therapist can also recommend age-appropriate tools—like The Whole-Brain Child by Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson—that support your parenting style and your child’s unique needs.

Building a Foundation for Lifelong Honesty

How we respond to lying now shapes our children's relationship with truth later. When we replace fear with curiosity, and punishment with compassion, we create the conditions where honesty can thrive.

Your child isn’t broken or manipulative—they’re learning. Their developing brain is trying to make sense of big emotions with a nervous system that’s still under construction.

They want to be honest with you. And when we make truth feel safe, they’ll choose it more often.

If lying—or other challenging behaviors—are showing up at home, you don’t have to figure this out alone. Support is available.

Ready to get to the root of what’s really going on with your child?

Book a Thriving-Child Strategy Call and let’s create a plan that helps your whole family thrive.